![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
And on top of the stress, and the busyness and all that fun bull shit, It's starting to effect my friendships. Some because I simply don't have the downtime I used to and others because I'm so stressed I'm likely to snap at any moment. Which is pretty much what happened last night.
I woke up with a little cough which i tried all day to ignore hoping it was nothing to worry about. I went to class. Thursdays cool I only have one. but as soon as i got out i had to head to work from 12 till 6. Which was especially irritating cause I had wrongly convinced myself that i got out at 4. Add a dash, of friend trouble coupled with some miscommunication about my ride home, then some crazy happenings that ended with having to run all over town. I went home. But our story far from ends there. With all this crazy happening I decided to head on talk to my mom about the copious amount of debts I have incurred which she knew nothing about. Mainly because I try to ignore the problem. ( i know worst way to deal ever!) So then I was talking to a friend of mine and all he had to say was like one thing wrong and it caused this huge discussion which ended horribly. It also made me realize everything I had been stressing out about and I just broke. I'm talking bawling hysterically, unable to calm down, my life just felt like it fell to peices all in front of my keyboard. I guess that last discussion was just the straw that broke the camels back. I wasn't his fault and I'm over it. Let's just hope everything goes back to normal.
I've resolved, that obviously trying to deal with everything at once is a horrid idea. Based on my past troubles and overwhelming anxiety, I don't know why I would even try. It shouldn't be too much to deal with if I just take a step back every once in a while.
Here's hoping to a less stressful weekend/upcoming week. Sorry this post got a bit out of hand I feel a ton better now.
Anywho, I'm off to class.
- Mood:
determined
I feel really bad cause i was going to make plans and hang out tonight. But honestly getting enough energy to walk down my stairs is hard enough, and like previously stated I guess I'm grounded. How my mother really intends to enforce this since I'm 20 will be interesting but she also scares the crap out of me so god knows.
i'mrambling i think the nyquil is kicking in.
goodnight.
- Mood:
sick
I just feel lonely and sad. I hope I'm not slipping again, I was just starting to get things in order, this close to being free and happy. Depression is a nasty monster though...and without medication it's so hard to beat. This might just be a temporary slump though a flux in hormones or something. hopefully.
Ugh, it sucks to know you're surrounded by genuine people who love you and care about whats going on in your life, but still somehow feel so alone.
This might just be the lack of sleep talking. But I'm definitely more emo tonight than usual. Well just had to get it out there.
Have a nice night everyone.
- Mood:
gloomy
Rules:
Step 1: Open up whatever MP3 program you use and add every song in your collection.
Step 2: Put it on random.
Step 3: Post the first line from the first 30 songs that play, no matter how embarassing.
Step 4: Post and let everyone guess what song and artist the lines come from.
Step 5: Looking them up on Google or any other search engine is CHEATING!
This should be interesting knowing my random taste in music not to mention its bound to be embarrassing! i will post the first few lines if I think they might be too difficult. And if the name is in the first line I'll choose the second line. Can't make it too easy on you guys.
( Lets get this started. )
- Mood:
amused
What started off as a nice stroll to get some ice cream turned crazy pretty quickly. It was a nice day for a walk, my mom and I were pretty restless and decided to walk to lickty split for some classic soft serve, rainbow sprinkles please! On our way down Grand Blvd. I saw this thing just sitting in the middle of the sidewalk, didn't really think anything of it. Leaves maybe? yard rubbish most likely, and then it moved! It was small with a white looking tail. I grabbed my mom's elbow I didn't know what it was I wanted to slow down. Honestly it looked like a rat. You just don't see rats chilling on the sidewalk in Binghamton. Upon closer inspection it was clearly no rat, it was the cutest little baby squirrel. It reminded me of one of those little starving kids in Ethiopia, it had a huge head with flies crawling all over its face it was heart breaking really. We tried walking around it, we didn't want to scare it towards the road. But every time we moved it tried to crawl towards us. I being the animal lover I am told my mom we had to do something. Her being the reasonable one assured me that we had to leave it the mom would be looking for it. So we compromised, I suggested if on the way back it was still there we would take it in. We had an empty birdcage at the house we could keep it in until we can get a hold of the rehabilitation center in the boonies. (We've rescued a squirrel that I thought was a baby before. So we've had experiance with this sort of thing and the little old lady has been doing this for years she was so sweet.) So we continued on. My mom once again the responsible one, decided to stop at the dollar store since it was close by, to get some things on the off chance we should need to rescuse the little critter, we didn't want to not be prepared. A pair of gloves, a dishtowel, and a basket to carry the little critter in, just in case. After all it was probably only four blocks from my house where we found the little guy. We both figured he would be gone by the time we made our way home.
He wasn't.
Silently thanking my mom for her gift of forethought, we scooped the little guy up and took him home with us. A squirrel won't come out at night to look for its young. Little guy is safe and sound sleeping next to his warm water bottle(with a sock around it) for comfort, and I just feed him. He's the cutest little thing ever. Lindley thinks i should name him Lickty Split, I'm thinking its not a bad idea.
I don't have a picture of him but he looks just like this one I found on google.
Can you say adorable? I obviously couldn't just leave him outside to make a nice snack for some stray kitty.
[Edit(09/09/08)]: Lickty Split died yesterday. He was scheduled to go to the rehabilitation center this morning but he started having seizures. I looked what to do online and after trying to help he seemed to get better only to repeat a few hours later. Later in the day he seemed fine just pretty weak and tired. We took turns cuddling him to keep him warm. While my mom was holding him he just stopped breathing we did everything we could but couldn't revive him. I was pretty broken up about it. But my mom called the lady who was supposed to take him and she said from the beginning we did everything we could and that we didn't do anything wrong she was even thankful that we knew what we were doing. She also said that even if he had been with her, he most likely wouldn't have made it. There may have been a reason he was kicked out of the nest something may have been very wrong with him from the get-go. I tried my best I was so diligent with his care and I gave him all the love i could. Sometimes stuff like this just happens. It's far better that his last days were spent with caring people taking care of him, instead of left on the street where all sorts of horrors could have befallen him.
R.I.P. little dude you were adorable and fun to play/cuddle with.
- Mood:
chipper - Music:Flight of the Conchords - If you're into it
I love my friends and still considerate of those who have shunned me from their life but this has got to end. No more petty fighting over stupid internet actions...this is how we got here to begin with... and Mo you can't be mad at me for this you went to bed and left me with the laptop.
First of all i will apologize for the delayed removal of the pictures in one of my recent posts i don't look at my own posts my compy is set up to go directly to my friends page so its often overlooked, but they are removed now so everyone can be happy hunky dorry!
Now on to the good stuff...I realize livejournal is an amazing place to vent afterall I'm pretty sure thats why it was created to vent, blog and basically pour your heart out about what ever tickles your fancy. So honestly say whatever you please, I could care less. However when I see facts that are blatantly wrong and assumptions (you're so good at them {not an insult simply a fact.}) that needn't ever been made. I assure you I will feel the need to use this in just the same way I encourage you too. So here's what I have to say:
I have stayed very silent on this whole situation. I made one very heartfelt post about what I was honestly thinking and although I would have hoped for more than just a "I still haven't decided what's going on even though I told you I didn't want to work things out" That's all I got and I was fine with that. I don't need to waste my time worrying about a situation thats "pending." I like to lead as much of a drama-free life as I can.
i HAVE ANXIETY! I cause enough stress to myself just living my daily life, because I'm fucked up. We all have our problems and that one is mine, and honestly lately I have been very calm. So I'm pretty damn proud of myself.
All those things dull in comparison to what I really have to say, but everyone whos reading this knows I take forever to get to the nitty gritty of things. So I'll break it down:
1. I do have a voice. I can speak for myself, and I'm deffinatly not petty enough to let others talk for me. The truth is wether you want to hear it or not I could care less about the situation. I don't think about it, so I don't have an opinion about it. The only reason why I have an opinion now is because people are getting heated and this are getting misconstrued, which brings me to my next point...
2. I perhaps its easier to group two people together when they are in the same kind of situation, But when it is done over and over again when things have certainly changed it gets on my nerves a bit. Please don't try and act like you tried contacting me, never once did you call, message, text or comment (for anything other than other than your own personal benifit). So don't group us together. You made no last attempt tp make things up with me. To be honest I tried to call to sort things out and you "didnt want to talk about it." I left you a message trying to get to the bottom of an awful misunderstanding went wrong, and you didn't even feel the need to address me personally about it (after being so close, I would have thought I deserved more than that at the very least). And as a very last effort i posted here (already mentioned this earlier in the post.) And after all that you said you were done, So i accepted your wishes and left it alone. What makes me laugh most about this entire epic shit fit? I (and I'm pretty sure Morgan too...) have no idea what you're true problems with us were. I am still in the dark about what issues you felt were unresolved and what shortcomings we possibly had. The thing is relationships friendships or otherwise are give and take, If you don't voice a concern I can in no way help mend the problem. I know this sounds bitter I promise its not, life is far too short to stay bitter about the people who come and go from your life. The fact remains that people change and grow. Some grow closer together, and others just drift apart.
I sincerly wish that back in the beginning before this shit got way out of control that we could have all sat down, aired all our greivences and been closer for it. And I wished things were still repairable. But its clear to me any crime I commited against you. you aren't willing to forgive me for. And thats just fine, I hope you move forward to find and keep the friends who care about you and fit you as an individual. Good luck to you and you're family i wish you nothing but good things for your future.
My case is closed.
{And for Morgan thank you for listening to me and not making any rash descions, I think a little part of me was planning this all along, more tension would have just been counter productive}
I think its time for all of us to move on, I know I will be.
Goodbye.
- Mood:
relieved - Music:The air conditioner hum
- Mood:
calm - Music:Say Anything - Most beautiful plague
But nevertheless, it weighs on my mind and i truly wish things didn't have to come to this. especially since the only communication people feel comfortable using is the internet. i feel awful that such a misunderstanding spiraled out of control so quickly. And a friendship that i treasured and enjoyed so much was lost in the middle of all the chaos. To be frank I'm writing this for my own benefit i mean what the hell else is this journal for? and if not a soul sees it it won't matter much to me at all. I guess i just figured i needed an outlet and although i never write like i used to, mostly because my life is not at all interesting. Sometimes you just need to get it all out in one place, and surrender it all. but i digress. I had hoped so much for everything to be solved in a different manner for all the dirty laundry keeping each other from truly enjoying what our friends have to offer us, on the table and out in the open. a truly great friend of mine often says "secrets don't make friends." And she couldn't be more right. More than once when this situation had begun she advised me to just talk it out. And i considered that long and hard. It was good advice but I just couldn't bring myself to find the words i wanted to say. So this same old fear of confrontation rears its ugly head once more. i hate fighting with people i care about I always have.(trust me I'm working on it.). When i finally found my courage and the words I needed. I guess it was too late and perhaps misunderstood. Its funny that this should happen right now. When I was at my peak of insecurity about my self title "friend dumper" i had though I had finally found a group of friends i could stick with. Nothing could make me more sad than this.
I've grown alot this past year, and learned so much. Some of the truths I uphold:
I honestly believe that for any relationship platonic or no, there are things that are needed to keep it working, and running smoothly. Trust, Caring and Communication, are to me some of the most important tools a person can keep around. No matter if the world has betrayed me a thousand times I could never have a cynical outlook, because i feel that knowing my self and knowing those around me, trusting them completely, caring for them and allowing for the flow of concerns and reassurance, keeps my mind unburdened by the wrongs the world deals out.(Wow philosophical much?...I don't know why I'm ranting this way).
For those who remain and still have faith in me, thank you. Your friendships mean so much to me and in each of you i have found a new layer of myself. I'm glad we can laugh, cry and grow together. My world would be lost without my friends. And despite the big chunk of my world thats missing now, i will try my hardest to move forward. and accept that people grow and change, and something just weren't meant to last. no matter what good intentions i may have had
<{EDIT}> Pictures have been removed by request...
- Mood:
pensive - Music:Say Anything - Belt
And I always fear I'm doing the wrong thing. And sometimes fear turns to panic and I end up messing things up that were prolly fine before I started freaking out.
I realize that you don't always find time. And I realize the things I say can be hurtful. bottom line I still don't trust you. I asked you not to leave the first time, I told you how scared I was...made myself completely vulnerable, and somehow you still completely tore me apart. And for what? because you felt guilty? it wasn't abandonment, not until you disappeared. I wish I could get past this but I've always had trust issues with the men in my life staying in my life. I'm sorry I didnt want you to have to fall victim to that too.
If anyone has advice about trying to trust someone again...
I'd really love to hear it.
- Mood:
crushed
I think its something in the water...
So the night before last I had this crazy dream i was at a school type place talking to friends and I like had a preminition that a church would blow up...I turned to tell someone about it but no one was listening to me, and the I turned away from them and looked across the street and sure enough the church exploded flames everywhere! then some other crap happened but its all really vague, then I went to help a bride get ready for her wedding...my dad was ther, and yelling about how he saw someone with a Mac laptop and I needed to find it for him, cause anything but a Mac wouldnt do, well we skipped the wedding and some guy...used to be my sunday school teacher brought me to the reception with him, but he didnt want to be seen with me so we had to sit in a special room for like the deliquents of the family...which turned out to be a bunch of kids playing video games and magic...and he was buying me drinks. Then after the wedding me and Arianna went to visit my horse (apperently I had a horse go figure!) But my horse wasnt in the field so I asked one of the farm hands and he went all about the field to find him, me and Arianna are chatting by the fence when he comes over with the horses head and a lower part of one of his legs, and talks about how it was obvious the horse was murdered and whoever rode it last (ME!) would be haunted forever...well all of a sudden this basketball springs to life and starts hitting the farm hand (who apperently murdered my horse) But I thought it was going to come after me next so i was running from it as well...then I ran into a hospitol...then I woke up
...yea.
And well last nights dream has me all upset.
I was going to school...(although it was still in binghamton it was like a huge hotel type deal with pools and dorms built in it had at least 52 floors; as I will explain later) So I've got all my stuff and I walk into class and sit down and in walks Scott (random!) And I'm like freaking out I have no idea what to do so I slouch down in hopes he wont see me and continue on with my day. Well then I got to my next class and hes there too and I overhear him telling someone what class he has next and once again its one of mine as well. And the thing is hes getting like really popular. Everyone loves him. Girls are fawning and the guys think hes fucking awesome. And I'm getting upset...cause how the hell am I gonna approach him now? and now hes got all these girls...I was first...uggh it was horrible. So I leave and before my first class i decide to leave to find someone to talk about this with...cause I have no idea what I should do. So I go all the way down to the lobby...no one. All the way to the food court...no one. Then this stupid ass magician tries to distract me by making a blue dog appear in a mimes invisible leash thing...and then I realize class starts in two minutes on the 48th floor and I'm only on like the 3rd. Then I sopt this chick(happened to be some random who used to go to BHS, her name is Maria too) who's been talking to Scott...I dont know her all that well but she starts talking to me about how we'll be late and I spill the whole story to her...about how we used to be together and how mad I am that he didnt tell me he was moving and how scared I am that he'll ignore me or not want to be friends after all this. And I'm like crying profusly...and shes like Maria we're gonna be late so we jump in this huge space like elevator and theres like 50 people on it and your supposed to grab on to the handles...but im too upset and forget so when it starts going up its moving so fat that I flew up to the ceiling and i cant get down...anywho...long story short the people in the elevator saved me and me and Maria ended up being 20mins late for class. So she goes over to sit with her 'popular' crew, with Scott of course and everyone is crowded around him and hes making everyone laugh...and since we're late I cant hide I had to sit in the very front of class. :(
So after class I'm still really distraught and I run to my car crying...And, apperently I drive a carpool cause theres like six people waiting at my car for me and I own this like huge van. And I'm still crying so i cant open the door and when I finally do i throw it open and sit on the floor of the van...and all my car poolers are just waiting...and then Scott comes around the front all confused and hes like 'hey dont cry...why didnt you just say hi? don't be upset." And then I woke up
:(
Random.
- Location:BCC
- Mood:
distressed
so productive...
lol. Im tired but at least im not summer schoool.
I have to pay attention now.
;)
- Location:BCC
- Mood:
content
and I'm not in bed...cause I have Summer School...for government. I have a strange story involving someone from my class...but we'll save that for later...cause people can be nosey...but hes cute the end.
I'm tired and I have to go write a letter to a representitive in congress. Def exactly what i want to do all before 8 in the morning!
uggh....
- Location:Summer School
- Mood:
tired
not really all that excited...but I guess anything that gives me an excuse to make my mom pay to get my nails done...can't be too bad...great thing is I get to leave school at liek 10:40ish
then meeting Arianna, then getting picked up, then doing some last minute running around to get everything we've forgotten so far, hanging out, running around more, picking Lexi up at 3ish...
piccys at the parks...
eating.
then prom.
Lets hope it all goes off without a hitch...
♥
- Location:School
- Mood:
drained
but for some reason I've dreaded it. Doesn't make much sense I realize...but none the less...I know this journal is basically just a way for me to track my emotions. Relive how I felt at certain times in my life...I know not alot of people read this....so why am I so reluctant to record my own emotions for myself?
( Read more... )
I think I'm losing my convictions however, I'm not so sure if I actually love him. I care for him I know that and I know what I feel for him is unlike anything I've ever felt before...but I wonder, how in love could I have been. If I'm happy now? I never cried. I cried maybe twice while he wasn't talking to me, but only cause I blamed myself. (I won, none of this was my fault, in the end I was right.) The fact is, yes, I wish things would have ended in a different way. But I'm glad I didn't lose him thats all I could ask for...is that real true love?
I'm sorry this post is so long...but I have alot to address.
And for another thing...how much do I really believe in fate? I was yet again complaining to Scott about how FL is the bain of my existance...and he off-handly joked something like "Did you ever think maybe you should just give up and move here?" And I know he wasn't serious...but it got me thinking...I believe in signs of fate do I not? How can I have completly ignored the many signs pointing straight to FL? Not to say that I'm going to move to FL and Scotts the one and I'll live happily ever after. I'm talking about signs. Maybe I don't really belong here after all...I mean my life has and continues to be a struggle in Binghamton. and lets consider the evidence from the beginning shall we?
1. Greg - like a second dad...but lives far away in FL. *ohpoo*
2. Datona - I'm not sure if you're aware but my mom was actually seriously considering moving to FL with ron awhile back (thank god we didn't, but of all places FL?)
3. Justin - broke up with me because of his need to consider moving to FL. (he still might move actually)
4. Family - lives like 5 mins from...
5. Scott - I don't think he needs any explination.
6. Stephi - I lose one of my best friends to FL for 8 months...
So I got to thinking maybe it isnt that FL is stealing people away from me...maybe in some strange twist of fate it's really calling me in. I know it sounds really strange but it makes scary sense. I just don't know where I belong I suppose. But I know I want to get the hell out of my house...arguments ensued again last night third night in a row...this time the cops got called...uggh.
FYI:: living with someone who lives and acts like trailer trash...will make you feel like trailer trash...even if you do not live in a trailer.
- Location:School
- Mood:
curious - Music:cool air.
Me: I just have one question...Are we still together? (mind you I was very calm)
Scott: I don't know
Me: Well can you make a desicion?
Scott: You want like a yes or a no?
Me: basically...
Scott: No.
And that was it. It was done...I guess I didn't do anything wrong. He at present just doesn't have time for me and he says he still cares btu the whole convo was pretty sketchy...
- Location:School
- Mood:
depressed
It almost feels like things are over, and yet thanks to him I have no conformation...I just don't understand whats going on Yesterday marked one month...It also marked a week since I had a decent 'normal' conversation with him. Lack of communication is killing any chance of 'us.' And leaving me feeling stupid to believe there ever was an 'us'
I don't know if he thinks I'm mad at him, or that I'm going to stress him out more or bitch at him about useless things...but I don't plan on doing any of that. Which is the exact reason I am refusing to E-mail him/leave a myspace message. Because If I start writing something to him all hell will effectivly break loose. I seem to be unable to remain diplomatic when I'm writing...perhaps because I use it as a release. I know myself, and I know very well that if I am forced to leave a message It will not sound nice, because I am upset. I know it wont convey correctly the emotions I'm trying to display because I'll try to conceal them as to sound more...how shall we say proper? I'm not mad that he can't come up for prom...I knew deep down somethign would go wrong. Murphys law. It always does. And I found another date like three seconds after finding out he couldn't come. It really just isnt an issue. I really wish he would just stop avoiding me...as I have no intentions of keeping him up half the night and droning on about how much I love him and miss him. Because I realized while on the car ride home from Mitch's the other day, during a very enlightening conversation. That our relationship has changed, we don't talk like we used to because we're too distracted by this 'love.' A simple ten minutes of his time to make sure I understand exactly whats going on and exactly whats going wrong would suffice. If anyone has any explinationto how this kid could give me a month full of bliss only to change on a dime to not caring at all. I would certainly love to hear it.
I tired of feeling sad and trying to come up with excuses for him. I know he's busy but being busy in no way excuses not even allowing someone a decent goodbye. No girlfriend should be subject to an undeserved hang-up, no matter how busy you are. I want him to stop making me feel like shit. If I'm not worth anything to you anymore you need to just tell me so. This pussy-footing around and avoiding me is bullshit. I'm a big girl. I can handle a little rejection. Yeah, I love him. It's gonna hurt like hell. But I will deal. This uncertainity is worse...TRUST ME. This however does not give anyone the right to try and convince me that he is a bad boyfriend. Because honestly I don't believe that for a second. People screw up and to throw away such an amazing person cause he was a dick for a week seems stupid to me. Most of my friends however would disagree. They believe he is breaking some ancient code and being horrible to me. I believe they are all full of shit. If your boy is bad too you alot then yea get rid of him...but people are born to make mistakes, blowing things way out of proportion all the time is ridculous! Girls are so stupid sometimes and it really upsets me. If I have things my way this will not be the end.
But above all, I'm mad at myself. Because yesterday even when I was at my angryiest. Even when I was crying and feeling horrible. I was calmer than I have been in days...simply because I heard his voice. I hate that he can do that to me. I hate that it that will be the thing I miss most if things should go sour here. I hate that he holds that kind of power over me.
And the worst thing is that even after writing this, I still question myself...
Maybe I'm just overreacting and everything is absolutly fine with us. Maybe I worry too much and everything is exaclty as he has said it is. I mean if I trust him I should believe him, right?
I'm not so sure. I'm tending to be unsure of everything at this moment.
Except for this:
I do love him, I do care and I do want to talk to him.
- Location:School
- Mood:
confused - Music:City sounds in the Spring.
k thanks.
- Location:School
- Mood: depressed
- Music:Silence
river adventures pt. I
( Under the brigde just past sunset makes the sweetest of scences )
I was online today and bored as usual and I remebered a conversation I had with him a day or too before where it was mentioned that he had a livejournal...but he said he didnt use it, he said he only made one entry, and it wasn't important cause it was made a long time ago...all these things add up to only one thing for me of course, he wrote something while he was still upset about his ex so reading it would do me no good and like I said it was of no great importance. But because I love this kid. I was still very curious of course. So I set out in my boredum to find this secretive lost journal...I must admit I've looked before.
But instead of finding some old entry about torn feelings I was delightfully surprised to find the entry was in part about me...
It was honestly so sweet...it was simple and vague but the simple fact that he wrote those things, somewhere where I most likely would not find them...it lets me know that he really feels that way. He didn't say them cause its what he thought I wanted to hear, or to be nice, or even cause he had to...and that honestly means the world to me.
Now if he would only get his ass home so I can squeal at him about how frealing amazing he is...
sry that is all... <3
- Location:Home
- Mood:
loved - Music:Matchbook Romance -- Tiger lilly
